First Steps To Save My Life

The last visible physical injury I have from drinking is almost gone. The once deep purple bruise on my inner right thigh is now almost faded. As I sit here and look at this, I feel a sense of disappointment, but promise. Disappointment in the fact that I let life consume me so much that I felt the need to drink away my pain. Disappointment that I finished almost 3 bottles in a night and fell walking up my stairs and got a bruise this bad in the first place. Disappointment in the fact that I opened up to my parents and had to admit I had a problem. Disappointment of all the friends, and girlfriends that I tricked into thinking I was fine when the later was the case. Disappointment in my actions the past two years. Disappointment Funny thing about disappointment, progress and promise can stem from it. Progress. Progress that I haven't touched alcohol in two weeks. Progress that my relationship with my family is becoming stronger. Progress in my relationship with friends alco

This should be a bit emotional for me today's blog. It is something I have not wanted to admit, or do for a long long long time. It is (was) a root cause of me drinking and added to my depression. Some of you who have been following along will remember I lost a child with one of my ex's. It was devastating. I am sitting here looking at a framed photo of about 10 different pictures in different places we had been this girl and I. We haven't been together for some time, but I could never let go of this framed photo. It sat in my closet facing the wall. I now know it is time to let it go. It's been holding me back. This girl and I were together for about 4 years. We met in Italy, our friends set us up as a joke since we were very similar. For the first 2 years this female and I had an amazing connection, but never officially got together. Lot's of back and forth, all that stuff. Then, I got the courage and told her how I felt, I drove 7 hours to see her and the rest

Tonight was quite an interesting night/day. Rainy weekend in NYC meant that there really wasn't much to do in the city. That also means, my friends had one thing on their mind. Booze. Everyone in my circle of friends knows I am "giving booze up for lent." They don't know that this is going to, well attempting, be the end of my relationship with alcohol forever. As I have come to terms with this, I am realizing not all of my friends have come to terms with me not drinking. All of us work quite high stress jobs, most of them are lawyers or in finance & I sales. Drinking has always been a way to, decompress, relax, and unwind on the weekend. My friends are basically split into two groups. One group accepts and doesn't bug me about drinking. The other one counts down the seconds till I can drink with them again. The pull from each side has become difficult. Having my friends on me really does wake up the craving to drink. I have been really struggling with thi

Day 10. Wow. I made it. Thank you everyone for your continues support. I hope that by me admitting the issues I had with alcoholism and how it is NOT a copping mechanism, just one person will be helped. Today is Friday, prime Happy Hour Time in New York City. The city has been, well, let just say if I was in North Carolina life would be completely different. The City is a BEAST. It will swallow you alive if you let it. What goes hand in hand with the city, the answer isn't Broadway, it's Booze. Being in Sales doesn't make it any easier either. Monday- If it's football season- "Let's go to the bar! Watch the game!" Tuesday- "Man rough start to the week, grab a drink?" Wednesday- A usual off night for most city dwellers, but a great date night. "Want to grab drinks tonight and get to know each other?" Thursday- "It's basically Friday- Let's get hammered!" Friday- "What a week- couple of us are going to the b

Feel like this week has been winning day in and day out. For the first time in a long time, I am not sleeping. I would use alcohol in the past as a way to help get to sleep. My body has felt defeated. Here are some of the symptoms I have been dealing with. -Anxiety -Depression -Fatigue -Stress -Restlessness -Insomnia While my brain is feeling much better, and I am seeing things clearer. The side effects have been unwanted. I am trying to find new ways to unwind. I am back in the gym, hanging with friends as much as possible, working extra hours. I will do anything to not be home alone. But every night, I end up home. Alone. It has become tough and tougher moving into the 10th day since I stopped drinking. The weight of the world is starting to be placed upon my shoulders, and I am not sure how much longer I can stay standing. The new found clarity is at war with the drive to have an adult beverage. This weekend is already on my mind. I am a bit concerned. It's goin

Was traveling a bit last night, so I was unable to get a chance to go in and post anything. Another day down. No drinks. It was still hard, the remnants and disappointment from yesterday carried over. Work was just brutal. This place has been dangling a promotion in front of me for 2 years now. I feel like a dog sitting waiting for it's owner to give them a treat if they do a trick, but the owner will never give the dog the treat no matter what. Decided it would be a good idea to go home and see my old man. It was good to talk to him. We just watched some tv, hung out, and tried to disconnect my mind from work. Not everyone is as lucky as I am to have a support system, and a mother and father who are as caring as mine. I am forever grateful for them. They were there for me when I finally gave in and admitted to them I had a problem. For the longest time I was petrified of what they would say. Was I an embarrassment to them? Would they hate me? They never did. They just show

There's going to be a lot today in this blog. This one is quite a ride, and a bit emotional for me to write about.  It was a day to say the least. I am writing the sober, but there were 3 hours where I almost cracked. The overwhelming darkness of the world that had caused me to drink almost came back. .. Normal day at work, went in. Have been really chipper recently. I have enjoyed waking up and work has not been as bad this week for the first time in years. Around 3 pm I had a meeting with one of the Sr. Directors about my promotion that I have been up for now 14 months. My numbers are impeccable, (Sales job remember), I finished in the top 1% in 2016 in an organization that has 1500+ sales reps. Had a very strong 2017, but for some reason I kept getting denied promotion after promotion as my lesser piers (Based on numbers, sales) got promoted. I have had interns, managed my team for weeks when my boss was out, lead training after training; nothing seemed to matter. Bit of a

Happy Presidents Day everybody! Unless your in Sales, retail, the restaurant business, or were just plain unlucky to have to go to work today. No fun. Work was work, but this Monday was a bit different then most. Most Monday's I come in, look like absolute hell since I would have drank 3 bottles of liquor over the weekend. Barely do anything till 11, and then start my day slowly counting down the minutes until I could leave. Not this Monday. I woke up feeling refreshed, feeling a sense of pride that I had finally for the first time in, god, 6 years had a completely sober weekend. Actually got a lot more work done too. Was quite nice and solid reinforcement internally to know I am doing all the correct things. After work was over, my banker friends (All off very jealous) told me to come meet them at a bar, as an old college bud had moved back to the city. Feeling great I thought, sure I can go. Didn't even have a will to drink. We would just play some darts and catch up. All

Another day of sobriety down. Watched basketball with all my friends. I have been having a really hard time being by myself. That's when the mind starts to wander and the will to drink is great. I have been telling my non close friends that I am doing this "for lent." It has been easier for me then explaining to my friends who drink all the time that I am an alcoholic. (Obviously my inner circle knows) They have been accepting of this line. Last night around 12 am I received a text from a girl I had been texting for a month. We hit it off after my Christmas party last December. Ended up drinking heavily till 4 am and had a blast. When I am in a good mood I was a fun drunk, the life of the party. That is what she knew me as. She unfortunately got caught up in my web of hitting rock bottom. It was a moment that really made me feel terrible about myself. I deserved this though. Last Saturday her a  I apparently talked on the phone for an hour (I checked it's true)

Saturday has been a tough, but important self discovery day. Today an old friend came to town and wanted to get lunch with me and his girlfriend... at a Bar. This would be the first time I have ever been in a bar with other people drinking, but not I. Luckily they were there first and ordered their drinks before. The waitress came over and asked what I wanted. I ordered a Diet Coke. The time went on and the bar started to become more and more crowded. More and more people were coming into the bar, and the drinks were flowing. I could feel myself start to worry. But I stayed strong. All in all we had a great time. It was so nice to catch up with old friends. Once my friends left I walked home. I was home alone. The sweating began. That internal desire to just go buy a bottle and tilt my head back was strong. Then, a break through. It started to snow outside as NYC was forecasted for 4-7 inches. I went back to something(someone) I was before a started drinking. I was a good person wh

First Friday night of my journey down. Wasn't easy, but I am grateful. I figured today I would post 2 pieces, seemed fitting. How did this all begin. Well, It goes way back. I never even had a drink until I was 17 years old. My father has never had a drink in his life, and my mom maybe would have 3 drinks if that in a month.  They were never the issue. Our families history was the issue. Both sides had rampant alcoholism. There really has never been a Miller or Johnson that tried to drink that DIDN'T have a problem. Well anyways, through high school it was never an issue. Party here, party there. Nothing crazy. Then college came. As I mentioned in an earlier post I have an addictive personality and tend to be the "life of the party." College was college. Really had the drinking under "college" control. But I was a Division 1 athlete and focused on a lot of things like academics as the alcohol hadn't consumed me. I had an incident in my senior year

Well, another 24 hours down. This one was NOT easy. Been offered a beer 3x this night. Proud to say as hard as it was I turned them all down. That feeling though. It truly is scary to look back to earlier, remember seeing the cold beer, being offered said beer, the pores of your skin open up and sweat glistens on your forehead. Your mouth starts salivating just from the idea of drinking that beer. Then that internal desire, the hardest part, your brain will do anything to get you to drink that beer. But alas, I did not. Major win for me. Now onto what this post is really about. An alarming medical diagnosis. When I decided to get clean and start thins journey I had blood drawn to test my liver and cholesterol. Turns out drinking in high amounts even if you eat right can have a drastic impact on your "bad cholesterol." Those are my numbers. In the summer when I had NOT been drinking and was trying to stop for a little. Everything was way way below the high marks.

Well, Well, Well. You really did it this time Jordan. Now that the cat is out of the bag and your roommate found you unresponsive in a bath towel with 3 bottles of liquor (empty) and one in your hand; it's time for help. My Name is Jordan Miller, and well. I'm an alcoholic. I have admitted this for the past two years to anyone who would listen. But unfortunately for me, I am the happy go lucky "joke" guy. I have decided to recover. I am not the most religious person, although I am a confirmed catholic. 12 step program just wasn't for me. So. What am I to do, and what will these blog's be about. I will be posting a new blog every day about my steps to recovery. I will mention the good, bad, horrific, and embarrassing moments of my recovery and some of the mistakes I made and what led me to this point. For today, this is all you're going to get. I am a 26 year old Technology Sales rep that has been at the same company for 4+ years now. I picked a &qu