Drinking for Darkness- A Death
There's going to be a lot today in this blog. This one is quite a ride, and a bit emotional for me to write about.
It was a day to say the least. I am writing the sober, but there were 3 hours where I almost cracked. The overwhelming darkness of the world that had caused me to drink almost came back. ..
Normal day at work, went in. Have been really chipper recently. I have enjoyed waking up and work has not been as bad this week for the first time in years. Around 3 pm I had a meeting with one of the Sr. Directors about my promotion that I have been up for now 14 months. My numbers are impeccable, (Sales job remember), I finished in the top 1% in 2016 in an organization that has 1500+ sales reps. Had a very strong 2017, but for some reason I kept getting denied promotion after promotion as my lesser piers (Based on numbers, sales) got promoted. I have had interns, managed my team for weeks when my boss was out, lead training after training; nothing seemed to matter.
Bit of a back story first.
Now couple the fact that I hadn't received a promotion in forever with the loss of my child (earlier blog touches on this) and loosing my best friend in life at 26 to cancer he never knew he had. Couple all 3 together and you have the trifecta for what caused me to drink. I was drinking to run, to hide, to not deal with my friend passing, my son never being born. I am a strong person and know I could handle one of these at a time the past 2 years. But all at once, I failed myself.
All the while this was going on, I was crushing my job. I tried to throw myself into the job. But no promotion and this lead to the amount I drank every weekend to increase.
In June 2017, my friend passed. I knew this was coming for a while, and I have shed many a tears. But it still hurt. He suffered, so there was a sense of relief his pain was done. But the pain in his parents eyes, his sisters heart, my parents grief of his passing (coupled with them seeing me falling apart), and an internal war between heart and brain going on was just...just... There are not even enough words to describe this.
His passing required me to take 3 days off from work. I was a pole-barer, I went back home for the funeral. Then Monday came around and I showed up for work. A month later one day was just too much to take and I asked my boss if I could take off and just reflect on everything. No Problem. I have the days......
Now flash forward back to this current moment. I am sitting in the room across from my Sr. Director. I admire him, and my current boss quite a bit. They are great guys, and strong managers. As we are discussing my promotion, my Sr. Director tells me "Jordan, you have some of the best business accruement I have ever seen. Your numbers are stellar, and you do all the right things 95% of the time. But the 5% Is holding you back. You called out 4x last year, and it knocked you down on the totem poll. I know why you were out, and I wish I could change upper management mind, but that was the red flag for them."
My Heart sank. My mind went straight to sitting on my bed, drinking a bottle and feeling anger towards the world. I sat there defeated. My best friend, my brother in life, the person I spoke to more then anyone else dies, and I am penalized for going to his funeral? I felt my heart racing, the rage inside me was building. I know this was not my Sr. Director call by the look in his eyes. They were genuine, they had seen loss as well. I took a moment, collected myself. Thanked him for being honest, and he told me that in 1/3 more quarters they would look at me again. Another wasted quarter, another non-promotion.
I left stunned. Sitting at my desk, not talking to anyone for 10 minutes I reflected on the past two years. Missing my friend, it's all I could think of. All I freaking wanted to do was call the kid and bitch about how idiotic the place is being.
I wallowed, but put on a happy go lucky face. Made jokes and seemed perfectly fine on the outside, but there was nothing but darkness on the inside.
Work ended, and I stayed put. I knew if I left then I would go to the liquor store, and open the bottle as I walked back to my apartment.
30 minutes goes by, I want Whiskey.
45 minutes goes by, I want Whiskey.
60 minutes. After all this time, I am starting to feel the light inside me break through the darkness. Trying to convince my brain that everything will be okay. Stay the course, stay the course; it's working. Then finally I have a breakthrough and regain control of the feelings inside.
My Friend who passed would tell me to go F my workplace, not worry about it. Go to the gym, work out. Tomorrow's a new day.
I've won the battle. Smiling, I get up and go over to one of my co-workers who I started with who is now 2 promotions over me. We chat, we laugh. I let him know the situation. He seems worried by the look on his face. To his credit, we walked back home to our apartments. Mine is 3 miles away. The Oddly warm February night (68 degrees) calms my nerves. The conversation is light and easy. We pass his apartment and I say goodby. I am on my own.
Out of nowhere, my demeanor has changed. I am smiling, feeling strong, confident, happy. I know people truly care and love about me. My Sr. Director was kind enough to be honest, and tell me how messed up the situation is, my friend walks home and talks to me. Life isn't that bad.
Happiness/The answer isn't found at the bottom of a bottle. It's found in others, memories, and moments.
Thank you all so much for reading this today, sorry for the length. Had a lot to get out.
It's No Longer Miller Time
Jordan Miller
It was a day to say the least. I am writing the sober, but there were 3 hours where I almost cracked. The overwhelming darkness of the world that had caused me to drink almost came back. ..
Normal day at work, went in. Have been really chipper recently. I have enjoyed waking up and work has not been as bad this week for the first time in years. Around 3 pm I had a meeting with one of the Sr. Directors about my promotion that I have been up for now 14 months. My numbers are impeccable, (Sales job remember), I finished in the top 1% in 2016 in an organization that has 1500+ sales reps. Had a very strong 2017, but for some reason I kept getting denied promotion after promotion as my lesser piers (Based on numbers, sales) got promoted. I have had interns, managed my team for weeks when my boss was out, lead training after training; nothing seemed to matter.
Bit of a back story first.
Now couple the fact that I hadn't received a promotion in forever with the loss of my child (earlier blog touches on this) and loosing my best friend in life at 26 to cancer he never knew he had. Couple all 3 together and you have the trifecta for what caused me to drink. I was drinking to run, to hide, to not deal with my friend passing, my son never being born. I am a strong person and know I could handle one of these at a time the past 2 years. But all at once, I failed myself.
All the while this was going on, I was crushing my job. I tried to throw myself into the job. But no promotion and this lead to the amount I drank every weekend to increase.
In June 2017, my friend passed. I knew this was coming for a while, and I have shed many a tears. But it still hurt. He suffered, so there was a sense of relief his pain was done. But the pain in his parents eyes, his sisters heart, my parents grief of his passing (coupled with them seeing me falling apart), and an internal war between heart and brain going on was just...just... There are not even enough words to describe this.
His passing required me to take 3 days off from work. I was a pole-barer, I went back home for the funeral. Then Monday came around and I showed up for work. A month later one day was just too much to take and I asked my boss if I could take off and just reflect on everything. No Problem. I have the days......
Now flash forward back to this current moment. I am sitting in the room across from my Sr. Director. I admire him, and my current boss quite a bit. They are great guys, and strong managers. As we are discussing my promotion, my Sr. Director tells me "Jordan, you have some of the best business accruement I have ever seen. Your numbers are stellar, and you do all the right things 95% of the time. But the 5% Is holding you back. You called out 4x last year, and it knocked you down on the totem poll. I know why you were out, and I wish I could change upper management mind, but that was the red flag for them."
My Heart sank. My mind went straight to sitting on my bed, drinking a bottle and feeling anger towards the world. I sat there defeated. My best friend, my brother in life, the person I spoke to more then anyone else dies, and I am penalized for going to his funeral? I felt my heart racing, the rage inside me was building. I know this was not my Sr. Director call by the look in his eyes. They were genuine, they had seen loss as well. I took a moment, collected myself. Thanked him for being honest, and he told me that in 1/3 more quarters they would look at me again. Another wasted quarter, another non-promotion.
I left stunned. Sitting at my desk, not talking to anyone for 10 minutes I reflected on the past two years. Missing my friend, it's all I could think of. All I freaking wanted to do was call the kid and bitch about how idiotic the place is being.
I wallowed, but put on a happy go lucky face. Made jokes and seemed perfectly fine on the outside, but there was nothing but darkness on the inside.
Work ended, and I stayed put. I knew if I left then I would go to the liquor store, and open the bottle as I walked back to my apartment.
30 minutes goes by, I want Whiskey.
45 minutes goes by, I want Whiskey.
60 minutes. After all this time, I am starting to feel the light inside me break through the darkness. Trying to convince my brain that everything will be okay. Stay the course, stay the course; it's working. Then finally I have a breakthrough and regain control of the feelings inside.
My Friend who passed would tell me to go F my workplace, not worry about it. Go to the gym, work out. Tomorrow's a new day.
I've won the battle. Smiling, I get up and go over to one of my co-workers who I started with who is now 2 promotions over me. We chat, we laugh. I let him know the situation. He seems worried by the look on his face. To his credit, we walked back home to our apartments. Mine is 3 miles away. The Oddly warm February night (68 degrees) calms my nerves. The conversation is light and easy. We pass his apartment and I say goodby. I am on my own.
Out of nowhere, my demeanor has changed. I am smiling, feeling strong, confident, happy. I know people truly care and love about me. My Sr. Director was kind enough to be honest, and tell me how messed up the situation is, my friend walks home and talks to me. Life isn't that bad.
Happiness/The answer isn't found at the bottom of a bottle. It's found in others, memories, and moments.
Thank you all so much for reading this today, sorry for the length. Had a lot to get out.
It's No Longer Miller Time
Jordan Miller
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