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The Last Bruise

The last visible physical injury I have from drinking is almost gone. The once deep purple bruise on my inner right thigh is now almost faded. As I sit here and look at this, I feel a sense of disappointment, but promise. Disappointment in the fact that I let life consume me so much that I felt the need to drink away my pain. Disappointment that I finished almost 3 bottles in a night and fell walking up my stairs and got a bruise this bad in the first place. Disappointment in the fact that I opened up to my parents and had to admit I had a problem. Disappointment of all the friends, and girlfriends that I tricked into thinking I was fine when the later was the case. Disappointment in my actions the past two years. Disappointment Funny thing about disappointment, progress and promise can stem from it. Progress. Progress that I haven't touched alcohol in two weeks. Progress that my relationship with my family is becoming stronger. Progress in my relationship with friends alco
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Letting Go Of Love

This should be a bit emotional for me today's blog. It is something I have not wanted to admit, or do for a long long long time. It is (was) a root cause of me drinking and added to my depression. Some of you who have been following along will remember I lost a child with one of my ex's. It was devastating. I am sitting here looking at a framed photo of about 10 different pictures in different places we had been this girl and I. We haven't been together for some time, but I could never let go of this framed photo. It sat in my closet facing the wall. I now know it is time to let it go. It's been holding me back. This girl and I were together for about 4 years. We met in Italy, our friends set us up as a joke since we were very similar. For the first 2 years this female and I had an amazing connection, but never officially got together. Lot's of back and forth, all that stuff. Then, I got the courage and told her how I felt, I drove 7 hours to see her and the rest
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Best/Worst Intentions

Tonight was quite an interesting night/day. Rainy weekend in NYC meant that there really wasn't much to do in the city. That also means, my friends had one thing on their mind. Booze. Everyone in my circle of friends knows I am "giving booze up for lent." They don't know that this is going to, well attempting, be the end of my relationship with alcohol forever. As I have come to terms with this, I am realizing not all of my friends have come to terms with me not drinking. All of us work quite high stress jobs, most of them are lawyers or in finance & I sales. Drinking has always been a way to, decompress, relax, and unwind on the weekend. My friends are basically split into two groups. One group accepts and doesn't bug me about drinking. The other one counts down the seconds till I can drink with them again. The pull from each side has become difficult. Having my friends on me really does wake up the craving to drink. I have been really struggling with thi
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The City that Never (doesn't) Drink

Day 10. Wow. I made it. Thank you everyone for your continues support. I hope that by me admitting the issues I had with alcoholism and how it is NOT a copping mechanism, just one person will be helped. Today is Friday, prime Happy Hour Time in New York City. The city has been, well, let just say if I was in North Carolina life would be completely different. The City is a BEAST. It will swallow you alive if you let it. What goes hand in hand with the city, the answer isn't Broadway, it's Booze. Being in Sales doesn't make it any easier either. Monday- If it's football season- "Let's go to the bar! Watch the game!" Tuesday- "Man rough start to the week, grab a drink?" Wednesday- A usual off night for most city dwellers, but a great date night. "Want to grab drinks tonight and get to know each other?" Thursday- "It's basically Friday- Let's get hammered!" Friday- "What a week- couple of us are going to the b
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Conditional Clarity

Feel like this week has been winning day in and day out. For the first time in a long time, I am not sleeping. I would use alcohol in the past as a way to help get to sleep. My body has felt defeated. Here are some of the symptoms I have been dealing with. -Anxiety -Depression -Fatigue -Stress -Restlessness -Insomnia While my brain is feeling much better, and I am seeing things clearer. The side effects have been unwanted. I am trying to find new ways to unwind. I am back in the gym, hanging with friends as much as possible, working extra hours. I will do anything to not be home alone. But every night, I end up home. Alone. It has become tough and tougher moving into the 10th day since I stopped drinking. The weight of the world is starting to be placed upon my shoulders, and I am not sure how much longer I can stay standing. The new found clarity is at war with the drive to have an adult beverage. This weekend is already on my mind. I am a bit concerned. It's goin
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Sometimes You Can Go Home- Family and Alcoholism

Was traveling a bit last night, so I was unable to get a chance to go in and post anything. Another day down. No drinks. It was still hard, the remnants and disappointment from yesterday carried over. Work was just brutal. This place has been dangling a promotion in front of me for 2 years now. I feel like a dog sitting waiting for it's owner to give them a treat if they do a trick, but the owner will never give the dog the treat no matter what. Decided it would be a good idea to go home and see my old man. It was good to talk to him. We just watched some tv, hung out, and tried to disconnect my mind from work. Not everyone is as lucky as I am to have a support system, and a mother and father who are as caring as mine. I am forever grateful for them. They were there for me when I finally gave in and admitted to them I had a problem. For the longest time I was petrified of what they would say. Was I an embarrassment to them? Would they hate me? They never did. They just show
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Drinking for Darkness- A Death

There's going to be a lot today in this blog. This one is quite a ride, and a bit emotional for me to write about.  It was a day to say the least. I am writing the sober, but there were 3 hours where I almost cracked. The overwhelming darkness of the world that had caused me to drink almost came back. .. Normal day at work, went in. Have been really chipper recently. I have enjoyed waking up and work has not been as bad this week for the first time in years. Around 3 pm I had a meeting with one of the Sr. Directors about my promotion that I have been up for now 14 months. My numbers are impeccable, (Sales job remember), I finished in the top 1% in 2016 in an organization that has 1500+ sales reps. Had a very strong 2017, but for some reason I kept getting denied promotion after promotion as my lesser piers (Based on numbers, sales) got promoted. I have had interns, managed my team for weeks when my boss was out, lead training after training; nothing seemed to matter. Bit of a
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