Letting Go Of Love
This should be a bit emotional for me today's blog. It is something I have not wanted to admit, or do for a long long long time. It is (was) a root cause of me drinking and added to my depression. Some of you who have been following along will remember I lost a child with one of my ex's. It was devastating. I am sitting here looking at a framed photo of about 10 different pictures in different places we had been this girl and I. We haven't been together for some time, but I could never let go of this framed photo. It sat in my closet facing the wall. I now know it is time to let it go. It's been holding me back.
This girl and I were together for about 4 years. We met in Italy, our friends set us up as a joke since we were very similar. For the first 2 years this female and I had an amazing connection, but never officially got together. Lot's of back and forth, all that stuff. Then, I got the courage and told her how I felt, I drove 7 hours to see her and the rest is history.
We started very strong, and to this day I truly do Love her. She was and is an amazing person. The memories we made, shared, and the support system we set up for each other was incredible. I thought she was the Love of My Life; I had accepted that this woman would one day be my wife.
Even now as I am looking at this collage of pictures she made for me (Christmas gift), the looks on both are faces are of pure joy, happiness. They are genuine. There are pictures of us at sporting events, Puerto Rico, Italy, Miami, Central Park in the Snow, and it does bring me happiness remembering these times. My life was set, I was happy, then everything changed.
Loosing a child is something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. This was where the drinking all began. I remember her and I sitting on my bed. I had been really strong for her for a few days, trying to help her through all this. But it then hit me. I couldn't keep the pain in anymore. Truly, I do not cry often. I keep things close to the heart and don't let them out much. The pain I felt was unbearable, I started to sob uncontrollably. The hurt was in my chest. Never have I thought one person could feel so low, so sad, so.... defeated. She was there for me and held me close to her chest as I let the pain and suffering I was holding in out. We promised at that moment we would always be there for each other and move forward for our lost child's sake. This never happened.
Implosion.
The first month was difficult but we were there for each other. Some days were better then others. Then, my friend called me and told me he had cancer. It was all over for me. The drinking picked up, I wanted to run away from everything. I was no longer a strong support beam for my gf, and this caused her to deteriorate as well. We both were loosing who we were, and what brought us happiness and joy. We kept fighting, yelling, resenting one another.
It was as if we were David and Goliath, and switched places on a day by day basis. One day I was David, the next day I would be Goliath.
We stopped speaking.
About 2 months ago we tried again. It was fantastic for a month, but that pain we had was deep and hurt. We both couldn't shake it. I had not come to terms with my drinking problem, and she had not come to terms with her emotional problems. It would never work. It ended on a street in NYC both of us having complete breakdowns trying to get the other to understand. She threatened me, and I felt that world crushing pain again. I ran. I ran away. The last thing I said to her was this, it was a moment of clarity.
"I can't do this, we can't do this. We will hate each other forever. We will never work this out. The pain is too deep, we can't fix this. I can't even fix myself. Please get help and speak to someone, I am not strong enough for you and you are not strong enough for I."
Two months later I am happy with the fact that we ended everything. But I do miss her, I love her. I always will. This photo collage I have reminds me of her every day. It reminds me that I am holding onto something that can not, should not, and will not ever be.
This is something that caused me to drink. I am hoping by releasing this story, and throwing the picture away internally some of the pain will go away.
It's no Longer Miller Time
-Jordan Miller
This girl and I were together for about 4 years. We met in Italy, our friends set us up as a joke since we were very similar. For the first 2 years this female and I had an amazing connection, but never officially got together. Lot's of back and forth, all that stuff. Then, I got the courage and told her how I felt, I drove 7 hours to see her and the rest is history.
We started very strong, and to this day I truly do Love her. She was and is an amazing person. The memories we made, shared, and the support system we set up for each other was incredible. I thought she was the Love of My Life; I had accepted that this woman would one day be my wife.
Even now as I am looking at this collage of pictures she made for me (Christmas gift), the looks on both are faces are of pure joy, happiness. They are genuine. There are pictures of us at sporting events, Puerto Rico, Italy, Miami, Central Park in the Snow, and it does bring me happiness remembering these times. My life was set, I was happy, then everything changed.
Loosing a child is something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. This was where the drinking all began. I remember her and I sitting on my bed. I had been really strong for her for a few days, trying to help her through all this. But it then hit me. I couldn't keep the pain in anymore. Truly, I do not cry often. I keep things close to the heart and don't let them out much. The pain I felt was unbearable, I started to sob uncontrollably. The hurt was in my chest. Never have I thought one person could feel so low, so sad, so.... defeated. She was there for me and held me close to her chest as I let the pain and suffering I was holding in out. We promised at that moment we would always be there for each other and move forward for our lost child's sake. This never happened.
Implosion.
The first month was difficult but we were there for each other. Some days were better then others. Then, my friend called me and told me he had cancer. It was all over for me. The drinking picked up, I wanted to run away from everything. I was no longer a strong support beam for my gf, and this caused her to deteriorate as well. We both were loosing who we were, and what brought us happiness and joy. We kept fighting, yelling, resenting one another.
It was as if we were David and Goliath, and switched places on a day by day basis. One day I was David, the next day I would be Goliath.
We stopped speaking.
About 2 months ago we tried again. It was fantastic for a month, but that pain we had was deep and hurt. We both couldn't shake it. I had not come to terms with my drinking problem, and she had not come to terms with her emotional problems. It would never work. It ended on a street in NYC both of us having complete breakdowns trying to get the other to understand. She threatened me, and I felt that world crushing pain again. I ran. I ran away. The last thing I said to her was this, it was a moment of clarity.
"I can't do this, we can't do this. We will hate each other forever. We will never work this out. The pain is too deep, we can't fix this. I can't even fix myself. Please get help and speak to someone, I am not strong enough for you and you are not strong enough for I."
Two months later I am happy with the fact that we ended everything. But I do miss her, I love her. I always will. This photo collage I have reminds me of her every day. It reminds me that I am holding onto something that can not, should not, and will not ever be.
This is something that caused me to drink. I am hoping by releasing this story, and throwing the picture away internally some of the pain will go away.
It's no Longer Miller Time
-Jordan Miller
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